The Reality of Delusion

I would have one week of understanding the indescribable joy of knowing you have life within your body. It was just when I was so comfortable with this thought; that my journey really begins. I remember waking up and not feeling well and when I went to the bathroom I noticed that I was bleeding. I think I felt my heart stop. One big blessing in all this is that it was Saturday, so my husband was home and we headed to the ER.

That seemed like the longest day of my life. The wait for the doctor to take blood, do an exam and then comfirm the heart breaking news that I had miscarried. I knew in my heart what had happened and I blamed myself. It was my fault for taking those diet pills and exercising like crazy to get rid of the 5 extra pounds that had me close to my weight limit. Why hadn't it E-V-E-R crossed my mind that I was pregnant?

And then the attack from the enemy came:

"He doesn't love you. Look, look at what he has once again allowed to happen to you." 

"Oh, my child do you hear me?"

"Don't listen to Him!! Why bother with Him now. Where was He when you needed Him most? Ask Him!

"Oh, my daughter I have never left you and have been right there with you, just as I am now."

"Really, well ask Him this: Why? Why did did He give you this baby to just rip out your heart by taking it away from you! Ask Him that!"

Have you ever wondered when it is that a person goes from sanity to insane? I truly feel that I met with that chance on that day. There was a war going on within me. A war that was greater than I could have ever understood until I look back.I had a choice to make and the rest of my life depended on it. Satan was taking some low blows. Reminding me of my past and pouring salt on my freshly opened wounds. He was going in for the kill. Every time he spoke, my mind was filled with chaos and confusion. I couldn't think straight. But then there was that other voice. It called me, beckoning me closer. There was a familiarity about His voice. I didn't know it but then again I did?!?! It could not be ignored.  "Yes, Father?" my heart cried out.

Are you really going to believe Him? Don't do that!!! Look at what He has done to you every time you trusted in Him. He crushed you, broke your heart and you want to listen to Him? Even now AFTER He took your baby! Really?!?!

I don't really know how long this we on but one after another Satan spit out lie after lie. Looking back I realize that God did not argue. All He did was call my name. Now the battle had come down to me. There I laid in that bed, sobbing, heartbroken and terrified that I was on the verge of losing my sanity but did I care. My very reason for living was gone now. Would it really matter if I went completely off the deep end. Would it be easier to deal with the pain that was so overwhelming?! I could barely stand to take a breath.  Then His voice melted away everything right then and there.

"My daughter, I am with you!" 

"God, that's you! Oh God, I hurt oh I am so broken and just don't want to do this anymore. Take it all away!"

To be continued.... Just as life does

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